Everything w-a-s an Emergency
I lived in such reaction mode...everything became an emergency or felt like one. Until, something in me questioned it. When certain things stopped and yet still felt like they were happening, something clicked. Somewhere in me I was playing out disaster scenarios over and over. I was stressed and tense all the time. I was avoiding all kinds of practical doings. Who does dishes in an emergency? Exactly, no wonder I didn’t want to take care of myself or the house. When an emergency is happening that shifts the focus to the moment at hand. What if, it’s the ghost of an emergency at hand? The feeling of an emergency or the impending doom of one. Waiting for all to fall. I was in battle mode and didn’t know it. This was how it was. I didn’t know different. Until, I exhausted all I felt I had. ‘Til I crumbled under it. And slowly, in that...what else was possible and available began to emerge. Somewhere in the weighted blanket I felt upon me, was also ease. A space, a gap, a breath, a moment...I recognized something different. A stillness, an ease. Hearing people I was suddenly called to, as if for them to speak something to me for my body to get it/ resonate. It went aaahhh...and I went ooohhh as my eyes lit up. What was this? I explored further. And jolts came. Certain words went through me to all new levels like lightning swords. Certain situations too, they reached me suddenly in profound ways, as if colored in from gray. Of which, after, nothing looked or felt the same to me, even as I may have looked the same. A dance, away from emergency and on guard, into ease and flow began. I set down all I knew suddenly; slowly, with effort, with hope, with all I knew for what was here coming through too. And funny in the look back, it was clear - it was always here. In me too, a part of me. Yet, it rarely saw the light of day or got the chance to breath, let alone play. All it seemed to look for was an opening in my stream of resistance, for it to do/ be all it knew. As if a river was running through me to follow its call, it’s way into spaces unknown and feared. With a whisper, you can follow the resistant way, but it’s not the way. And you Will see as you already have when you break down and are in overwhelm you feel contrite. Joy does not work that way, nor does love. All these things you think you know, you don’t. I would get lesson after lesson. To learn, I was being unlearned, undone, unschooled...unconditioned by joy it all the ways I separated from her, from the energy of all. How in some crazy way I orchestrated it all. How doing what made sense often didn’t work and doing what didn’t, did. Like steering the boat around what we see. Makes sense to go certain ways. Except we are actually steering through what we don’t see more than anything and thus only later makes sense when we see what it was or what was there that required us to appear to go backward or in three strides of zigzags. Until it later becomes full circle for us to go through. This is not what I learned at home, in school or anywhere else. Yet, this is what something deep within showed me, when it seemed I was lost. And ever present she’s been to persist without resist since. And she’s present when I resist, usually drowned out in the effort. Getting back, remembering, how to track with in myself. To open doors, to walk and wonder even through the depths of growling unclear hunger. To accept the void to expect no thing. To be in awe of creation options. To see the waves, the strings, the knots and be guided to ride, watch, and see if some thing is to be untied. The relish in the ever unfolding. To show up and be marveled how it magnificently works even in the deepest darkest space. To dredge for gold all I was told. All the ways I was taught to play. All the playing at each stage. To reveal a mystery to open a heart once closed off. Do you know freedom lies within to rest in ease perchance to dream, a dream into fruition. To live in open wonder mode.
Now everything i-s a dream.